God does not send us into the dangerous and exacting life of faith because we are qualified; He chooses in order to qualify us for what he wants us to be or do." Eugene Peterson
Thanks for visiting,
After I get all of the mutating missionary blogs from the past re-posted here, I will continue writing fresh ones. Enjoy the review...
Robyn Rochelle Cox
Loving God in the Moment
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Yesterday I grieved
I took off a day and I grieved
God gave me a snow day
And I grieved
Because I am an American – I needed a snow day to stop, to stop and grieve a friend. But, after a day of doing incredibly stupid things (I turned the wrong way on an arrow at an intersection, I found my lettuce in the freezer, and I left my keys in the door of my flat – don’t worry mom, my flat door is in my yellow house and my yellow house has a door that automatically locks.) All the signs were there --- STOP!
I have said this before and I say it again.
Here in Germany there are many things done that are against what God calls them to do. They have walked away from relationship with Christ, they have allowed abhorrent behaviors to be accepted and received as normal, and racism runs rampant – it is hidden here, under a smoke screen of passivism and tolerance / which is a social dichotomy. There are many things that I believe are done poorly here - the list could go on.
Yet, I also maintain that they do some things well.
It is ok to grieve here.
I didn’t go in to school, I turned off my cell phone, I didn’t answer the home phone, I walked down and sat at the Chinese Restaurant. My Chinese friend knew that I had lost my friend and sat a wonderful table by the window for me, I sat there for hours. I studied my German.
You would probably expect me to say I read my Bible, wrote in my journal, remembered my friend. You would probably expect me to say I wrote about the first time I met her, the times that I observed her. I observed her as a mother, I observed her as a wife. And she was a great mother and she was an incredible wife. You would probably expect me to say I grieved for her husband – her husband that absolutely loves her. Such a rare gift – marriage, and I believe my friend and her husband did it well. You probably would expect me to say I grieved for her daughter – her daughter that adored her. I lost my dad at 22 – it is too young to loose a parent (but then again is there ever an easy time?)
You would probably expect me to say I grieved in all of these ways – and to be honest – I could have. I could have. These things are true and valid and honest.
But, I didn’t grieve in these ways. I sat at a table; I wrote German words and definitions for hours. Two restaurant patrons came in and we talked about learning German in German. They left. My friend and all of her employees ate their lunch and then left. The restaurant closed for a Mittag Schlaf. My friend allowed me to sit there – she made a pot of tea and allowed me to sit there. I did. They opened again at 5:00 pm. I sat longer. They made a cappuccino for me, a great cappuccino – with lots of Sahne. And I wrote German nouns and their definitions. I watched the snow continue to fall all day. I thought, even the weather is agreeing with me.
I thought it interesting that I didn’t feel like I needed to apologize. I didn’t feel like I needed to work (even though I got a lot accomplished). I didn’t feel like I needed to do anything. I just grieved. I grieved and wrote German.
When I came home I chose not to go up the back stairwell. I walked through the snow. I walked and took pictures of all things. I walked and walked and walked. The sun had not yet gone down and the streets were still quiet. I really didn’t think about anything. Finally, I got cold and came home to my toasty yellow nest.
I read, checked some e-mails, enjoyed another cup of tea – and knew I had spent the day grieving. I went to bed late.
In days of old, grief was received as normal. Crying, tearing clothes, aching - received. But today in the US we try to hide it. We might get a day off if the person who passed is a husband, child, or parent. Otherwise, forget it.
I woke up this morning. I am still sad, but there is not that heavy weight in my spirit. Granted, I did not know my friend as her husband knows her, as her daughter knows her, as her very best friends know her.
I wish that her husband, her daughter, her friends could be allowed in our ‘get moving – get on with it’ society to grieve. I am praying that somehow, they be able to do this. It will take longer for them. A day would not be sufficient. And here in Germany it is OK to take longer for the family and close friends. That, I believe, they do right. I might find myself putting the lettuce in the freezer again - i don't know. But if I do - I will allow myself to grieve. I pray you do to. The snow here has not stopped falling.
Your Mutating Missionary
Posted by Robyn Rochelle E. at Saturday, March 24, 2007
A little about me
I am in the world almost every day. Okay, daily.